We are a group that is about the ace (asexual) and Desi (South Asian) intersection. We will be posting comics, memes, artwork, resources, makeup lewks, and so much more! Though we are a group of people who identify as ace and Desi, we are not exclusionary. Everyone is welcome! All we ask is that you look at our content with an open mind and understand that we are all human. If you have questions, feel free to reach out!
We tried to find stories about asexuality but it was difficult because most of the stories we found are synonymous with celibacy
No mention of anyone not experiencing sexual attraction
There is queer representation in Hinduism however through the different avatars of the Gods, showing that gender is fluid.
Bhisma – Mahabharata
Bhisma a.k.a Devarata was the son of Shantanu and Ganga. Shantanu fell in love Satyavati, whose father would only let them get married if he would let Satyavati’s kids rule the throne after. Shantanu did not want to give up his son Bhisma’s right to the throne so he was willing to forego his love.
Bhisma felt bad for his father so he promised to take a lifelong oath of celibacy so his kids would not come in the way of the throne.
After Shantanu’s death, Bhisma helped raise Shantanu and Satyavati’s kids. Satyavati’s son dies early without children and Satyavati begs Bhisma to break his vow but he still refuses.
Rama and Sita’s Exile – Ramayana
Rama and Sita, shortly after their marriage were sent into a 14 year exile from Ayodhya, the kingdom Rama was part of, because Rama’s stepmother, Kaikeyi wanted her son, Bharata to rule the throne.
Kaikeyi also wanted Rama and Sita to live a celibate lifestyle in the forest so that they would not have any heirs to the throne after they came back
Ganesha’s Birth
There are mutiple stories about how Ganesha came to be but the most popular one is from the Shiva Purana.
Parvathi, Ganesha’s mother was taking a bath and she did not want anyone to disturb her so she created a boy from clay and breathed life into him. This boy then became her son, Ganesha.
Summary
Finding any signs of asexuality in Hinduism was difficult because a lot of the stories lean towards celibacy. The stories here included have “ace vibes” because they mention celibacy or just don’t have sex present. Asexuality and celibacy are not the same as one implies more of a suppression of something rather than the nonexistence of something. It’s difficult because asexuality is not explicitly stated and that’s the case with a lot of ace headcanons with a lot of stories, it is always assumed that this character might have been ace based off a few actions. These Hindu mythological stories are the same as well in that they include aspects that might be “ace” related but not quite.
We had a difficult time investigating how Islam views Asexuality. We found that Asexuality is not explicitly mentioned in the Quran or Hadith, which are the primary sources of reference for Islamic theology. A couple of topics we encountered that could be related to Asexuality in Islam include the discussions of “Marriage” and “Celibacy.”
Please note: Some of the information we are sharing are debated topics amongst various Islamic Schools of Thought. Please note that the information we are sharing is non-exhaustive and is only a fraction of the information that’s out there.
According to Islamic scholar Imam al-Bukhari, the Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) stated marriage is only necessary to folks to help them “lower their gaze and protect their chastity.” In Islam, natural sexual desire is not condemned. Rather, Islam encourages followers to seek a spouse to “satisfy their sexual needs in a secure and serene environment” (Amini, 2014). Essentially, marriage is generally recommended in Islam, but only mandatory when one fears succumbing to temptations and having ‘illicit sexual relations’ (Al-Haj, 2017).
However, other scholars argue that marriage is strongly advised by the Prophet (PBUH), and celibacy is haram, or prohibited. According to the Hadith collection Sunan ibn Majah, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) forbade celibacy when he was asked by a follower named Uthman bin Mazoon whether living in celibacy was acceptable in the honor of devotion. The Prophet (PBUH) stated that Allah “He sent me with a simple and straight [Shariah]. I fast, pray and also have intimate relations with my wife. So whosoever likes my tradition, then he should follow it; and marriage is one of my traditions” (Sunan Ibn Majah, 1846). Had the Prophet (PBUH) permitted celibacy, “they would have gotten themselves castrated” (Sahih Muslim, Book 8, Hadith 3238).
**Note: We wanted to note that one of our references, Importance of Marriage in Islam by Sayyid Athar Husayn S.H. Rizvi misquotes the Sunan Ibn Majah hadith in his book. After cross-checking with multiple sources, we’ve found that the line “I fast, pray and also have intimate relations with my wife” is not mentioned in the hadith.
So what does this mean? In our opinion, it is incredibly difficult to make a conclusion of how Islam views Asexuality. As we all know, Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and everyone has a diverse range of experiences and desires for relationships, attraction, and arousal. So it would be unfeasible to dictate whether Islam finds Asexuality permissible or not, especially with the interpretations associating more with libido rather than attraction.
It is also important to acknowledge how the language from the excerpts are non affirmative and can be incredibly discouraging for Aces and Queer folks. It is possible the language could have been different if these texts were created today. It’s good to keep in mind that Islam is the religion of knowledge. The Quran emphasizes the importance of the pursuit of knowledge for “the creation of a just world in which authentic peace can prevail” (Hassan, 2010). Be devout to knowledge. Use knowledge to empower and bring peace to yourself and others.
And to our fellow Islamic believers, keep in mind that “Allah (SWT) has created us out of nothing, and made us in the best form” (Quran 95:4). We are as Allah has intended us to be – never let anyone tear you down.
Bukhārī, M. I., Ahmad, A. D., & Ali, M. (1956). English translation of Sahih al-Bukhari. Lahore: Ahmadiyya Anjuman Ishaʻat-i-Islam.
Ibn, M. M. Y., Abd, G. D. I., & Suyūṭī. (1952). Sunan Ibn Majah. Karachi: Vali Muhammad.
Mundhirī, A. A. A.Q., & Muslim, H. Q. (2000). Mukhtaṣar Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim: The translation of the meanings of Summarized Sahih Muslim: Arabic-English. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia: Darussalam Publishers & Distributors.
Let’s revisit the Split Attraction Model (SAM). When we first started AceyDesi, one of our first information posts was dedicated to the SAM. SAM is prevalent in the aspec community as it allows for easy distinction between romantic and sexual attraction. With a simple X and Y visual, it is easy to differentiate between two types of attraction. However, SAM is not without its flaws and there is an ongoing discussion about how SAM simplifies attraction, is not inclusive, and that the term “split-attraction model” itself stems from anti-ace, and anti-bi reactionaries (Coyote, 2020). Attraction is multifaceted and cannot be whittled down to dichotomous categories but that is precisely what SAM attempts to accomplish and as such, does not account for the in-betweens or the grey area attractions.
Please note that while the SAM is useful to a lot of aces and other people whose attraction varies between sexual/romantic, the SAM is not a universal model meant for everyone. Use it if it’s useful to you and disregard it if it isn’t
People have come up with solutions or alternatives to the SAM by addressing its limitations and we will address them here.
Orientation Language
The SAM prompts use of terms or concepts used to label personal desires and relationships
However, not everyone is comfortable with labeling terms and thus, SAM excludes on this basis
Composite Sexual Orientation
SAM generalizes individuals’ mix of desires, behaviors, and attractions to a single sexual (bisexual, gay, straight) orientation
Yet this once again is excluding folks who have divergent orientations or orientations where they feel they cannot compress it to one orientation because their attraction is fluid
Romantic attraction/sexual attraction dyad (RO SO dyad)
SAM confines individuals to one sexual orientation label and one romantic orientation label
Individuals may prefer not to use sexual orientation language or solely romantic orientation language
Orientation is sexual/romantic only
SAM only takes into consideration sexual and romantic attraction
Folks may feel unrepresented by this model which leaves out other types of attraction, such as sensual, platonic, intellectual, alterous, aesthetic, emotional
Orientation by axis
SAM labels each axis with an orientation
This does not account for unlabeled or undescribed areas of attraction thus leaving out individuals who do not conform to the axial orientations
The first one is called The Genderbread Person V4. This one is more about one’s gender than their relationship orientation, and splits identity into gender identity, gender expression, anatomical sex, sexual attraction and romantic attraction. Though this one focuses on gender it does a good job at dealing with the language feeling too strict because the visual clearly shows that this is a sliding scale. You don’t need to perfectly fit in one word or the other. For instance, for gender identity you need to place a marker on both the woman-ness and man-ness scales, which gives you the flexibility to accommodate all of the parts of you. The one thing that might be an issue is the binary wording for attraction.
The next one is a radar chart that was floating around the AVEN forums, and it has 8 axes: fantasy, primary sexual, secondary sexual, primary romantic, secondary romantic, aesthetic, platonic, and physical. These words are close to other words we have defined on our page here:
Secondary Romantic = romantic attraction, potentially would like them
Aesthetic = aesthetic attraction
Platonic = platonic attraction
Physical = sensual attraction
(Check out our Types of Attraction post for more details on the different attraction types).
The further a point or line is on the graph, the higher the intensity. You can plot your points by focusing on different genders if you want that level of granularity, but it is not necessary. Though there is a heavier focus on romantic and sexual, it does a good job at talking about other attractions.
Similar to the SAM, though these models do address some of the limitations the SAM has, they also aren’t meant for everyone. Use the models if they seem useful to you but don’t if they aren’t.
Limitation to SAM recap:
using orientation language can feel too strict
the orientations seem to be a catch all that includes any and all desires
One limitation that we see in all of the models we have seen so far is that they require us to generalize or average all of relationships to fit the model. This can make it difficult for us to find the “average,” when in reality each relationship in our lives can be very different, causing some skewing. In our next post, we will be considering a model that potentially overcomes this limitation and ones previously discussed.
Hello everyone! It is officially the end of February so black history month is coming to a close. For black history month, the AceyDesi team wanted to highlight some of the awesome black ace creators and activists out there who are doing some amazing things everyday. Here’s a brief history of BHM and a recap of everyone we featured on our Instagram page. Thank you to everyone who submitted a response to be featured!
What is Black History Month?
Black History Month is a celebration of achievements by African Americans. In the United States, it takes place in February. It was initially started by historian Carter G. Woodson and other prominent African Americans as “Negro History Week” in February of 1926. They picked the second week of February as it included the birthdays of two pivotal figures who helped end slavery: Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass. The weeklong event became a month in 1976 when President Gerald Ford extended the recognition.
Why is it celebrated?
Initially, Black History Month was a way to teach young people and students about contributions of African Americans to the United States. Now it is a celebration of Black and African-American achievement and activism around the world. It is meant to shed a spotlight on issues that still affect Black people today while also allowing people to engage with Black history and highlight Black accomplishments
If you would like to learn more about Black History Month, you can find additional resources listed at the bottom of this post.
Black Ace Creators on Instagram
Ashabi Owagboriaye
Ashabi: “Hey hi everyone; my name is Ashabi Owagboriaye! I’m a Nigerian-American model, photographer and amplifier in raising awareness around social justice issues who’s based in Chicago! I’ve been doing work around asexual awareness for years and created the page Ace in Grace (@_aceingrace_) to educate people about Asexuality while also highlighting/uplifting Black & POC community members who hold that identity!”
Check out how awesome they are and what they do on their IGs! 🙂
Mars
Mars (@cosmicnoir): “Hi, I’m Mars! I’m a down-to-earth Cajun-West Indian, Panromantic Demisexual. Hailing from Deep Space, this Black Ace resides on Earth as a friendly Laboratory Tech by day and a Cosplayer/Editor by night. A reader of books and devourer of fiction, I’m constantly striving to expand my knowledge.”
Chenise Calhoun
Chenise (@a_feminist_page): “My name’s Chenise and I’m a Black ace woman It’s difficult to be proud of marginal identities (kind of like swimming against the current). Because society deems you “different,” it is your responsibility to normalize your experiences or find beauty in said difference; I chose the latter. Experiencing no sexual attraction in a hypersexual society can be alienating but the perspectives we hold are valuable as they are rare. But I see it as a superpower rather than a curse.”
Tippy
Tippy (@callme.tippy): “Hello, my name is Tippy I’m aroace and I use she/her pronouns. I’m a 28 year old content creator and I own three online shops. I create weird art over on my art page @thatanxiousartist , I sell witchy items and tools on my witchy page @thatbabywitch, and finally I have pride flag based shop over on @thatprideshop. On my personal page I enjoy being a small representation of the Black Ace community.”
Also check out the responses under this twitter thread for some more ace content creators around the web!
Hey ace Twitter!! For black history month, we wanted to highlight some black ace creators so drop your names/@'s down below!!
Although many folks are familiar with sexual and romantic attraction, there are several other types of attraction that are important in relationships. This post gives an overview of the many different types of attraction as well as highlights some of our personal experiences with a specific type of attraction. Please not that our personal experiences to an attraction may look different than yours and there is no one way to feel a certain type of attraction.
Attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or show sexual interest in another person(s).
“I want to bang you”
Romantic attraction
Attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons.
“I want to date you”
personal Experience
“It’s hard to give a generic definition of romantic attraction when romance can look so different to different people. Romantic attraction itself is a spectrum, I’m demiromantic so I rarely feel romantic attraction and only after I already have a close emotional bond with someone. To me, romantic attraction has always been in the form of “romantic” scenes in movies that are without the sexual acts. Things like going on dates, holding hands, cuddling with a movie, smiling when you get their texts, wanting to tell them all about your day and wanting to hear about theirs, and basically doing all the “cute” things that you would do in a relationship. So I know I’m feeling romantic attraction when there is someone in particular I would want to do all of those things with.” – S
The desire to form a close platonic relationship (friendship) with a specific person or people, or to form a closer friendship with someone one already knows.
“I want to befriend you”
personal experience
“Platonic attraction, as previously discussed, is the desire to form a close friendship with a specific person or people, and it excludes romantic and sexual attraction. To me, platonic attraction is more like meeting someone new who seems interesting to me, or they share similar values or experiences with me, and I want to get to know them more. It’s like I develop an admiration for someone and I would like for us to be close friends and share a symbiotic friendship. An example I can think of is the relationship Aziraphale and Crowley have in Good Omens – their goal is to stop Armageddon and they support each other to achieve their goal. And then I think platonic attraction intermingles with emotional attraction later on in the friendship, where once I get to know someone I start to form an emotional bond with them. Of course, many folks may define platonic and emotional attractions in an intersectional way, since it can get confusing trying to separate the two, and it’s valid.” ~M
The desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way, such as through hugging or cuddling.
“I want to cuddle you”
personal experience
“For me sensual attraction was an interesting one to figure out because sensuality is considered synonymous to sexuality when in reality I learned that they are two completely separate things. I didn’t realize there was a word to the feeling of wanting to be close to someone physically (but not sexually bc I’m sex repulsed AF). Sensual attraction is a lot more about wanting stuff that feels good physically (it appeals to your senses, specifically touch a lot of the times). It can be anything from cuddles, massages, long hugs, forehead kisses, or even just someone putting their arm around your shoulders. A lot of this stuff might be considered romantic traditionally but it truly does depend on the person because you don’t need to feel romantic attraction to feel sensual attraction towards a person. In my case I do feel romantic attraction so these behaviors fall into both of those categories of attraction for me. It’s incredibly important to make that distinction between sensual and sexual attraction because a lot of sensual stuff in the allo world can lead to sexual stuff, which is problematic because this oversteps boundaries of sensual aces/aros. So yes it is completely possible to just want to cuddle, you’re totally normal.
P.S. the second meme can come off as creepy when used in the wrong context but I felt that it accurately describes sensual attraction.”
-C
Click here to see a video of one of our admins (Bhavya) also talking about sensual attraction!
Occurs when someone appreciates the appearance or beauty of another person(s), disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction.
“I want to admire your physical beauty”
personal Experience
“Aesthetic attraction, as previously discussed, occurs when appreciating the appearance of another person. It is disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction. In my early ace journey, this was something that left me feeling confused at times if I was actually asexual. I would find people pretty or cute or physically attractive in some manner but without sexual or romantic ties. Now, when I have to describe my perspective on aesthetic attraction, I use the analogy of a painting. Like Kevin from The Office states, “A painting is beautiful, but I don’t want to bone a painting”. There are physical qualities like facial features or expressions or the way someone dresses that I find appealing but in no way am I sexually or romantically attracted to them. I think this can be relatable, for instance, with celebrities. I, for one, think actors and actresses like Hrithik Roshan, Meena, Deepika Padukone are aesthetically pleasing like wow yes they are pretty or cute and have appealing facial or physical features but do I want to date them or bang them? No thank you!”
Attraction described as wanting emotional closeness someone; feeling that is neither strictly platonic nor romantic; It’s somewhere in the middle
“I have a strong connection to you that is something more than friends, but I don’t necessarily want to date you. I am not confused about us, just the lines from an outside perspective look blurred between us.”
**Note: by using the term “more than friends”, we want to convey that alterous attraction is blurred and somewhere in between friendship and romantic love. It’s on a spectrum and not a hierarchy because one type of love is not “more” than another.
personal experience
This an approximate version of how we place alterous in relation to platonic and romantic. It’s somewhere in between romantic and platonic, but does not have a level of uncertainty where someone is trying to figure out their feelings. It’s in a cloud because the bounds are a little bit unclear. This also includes some common activities/thoughts and where we think these go – as in these placements are our opinions and may or may not line up with what you think.
“Recently, I naturally ended up in an alterous relationship with someone I love, respect, and really care for. I don’t think about him all the time, but he still holds a very important place in my heart and in my life. Our relationship is not only platonic – I still want to cuddle and hold his hand, we still flirt, I still feel like there is something that draws me to him differently than to a friend. I don’t really care for doing “cute” things when it comes to him, but I am also not opposed to it. All I really know is that I love him, I want him in my life, and we have a strong connection. So, that’s how I define alterous.” – V
The desire to get to know someone, often as a result of their personality instead of their physicality. This type of attraction is present in most relationships from platonic friendships to romantic and sexual relationships.
“I want to emotionally bond with you”
personal experience
“Emotional attraction is definitely a weird one because it is possible to develop an emotional attachment and/or bond with anyone. Typically, this will happen with a friend, a significant other, sibling, etc. Sometimes, it happens with a celebrity/group, and you find yourself crying over Zayn leaving One Direction. Or even with a sexual partner, which probably means you need to have a conversation. Anywho, for me, I just know I am emotionally attached when I think ‘I miss them’ or ‘I really care about them.’ If they died, I know I would throw myself into funeral planning or something to distract myself from the pain. It’s a little dark, I know, but I know that this is not how I feel about most people and that’s how I differentiate platonic and emotional attraction. (For my friends that I’m not emotionally attached to, I still appreciate your presence in my life and would maybe cry at your funeral, just maybe not plan unless it was a mess and I just happened to be there at the perfect moment.)” ~ V
The desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner, such as engaging in conversation with them, “picking their brain,” and it has more to do with what or how a person thinks instead of the person themselves
“I want to have intellectual conversations with you”
Personal Experience
“To me intellectual attraction is where someone likes (or falls) for someone for their brains rather than like love at first site. I think a good example is Christina’s relationships (Burke, Marlow, Teddy, Owen) from Grey’s Anatomy. In those relationships, she is impressed by what they do and know. Or if you’re more a Brooklynn Nine Nine fan, it’s like when Amy is attracted to Jake even more, when he does things that are more Amy and less Jake (like making binders). I think another example is when people think guys look more attractive when they wear glasses (which implies they are smart/intelligent). Like any of the other attractions, in my opinion, intellectual attraction can stay platonic or it can move into sexual or romantic attraction.”
In our earlier segments, we discussed the Asexual and Aromantic spectrums, and we briefly introduced you to the various identities within the spectrum. As a reminder, not only are Asexual and Aromantic identities themselves, they are also umbrella terms. The “sub-categories” under the umbrella are known as micro-labels.
According to LGBTA Wiki, A micro-label is an identity that falls under the umbrella of a larger identity and cannot stand on its own. For example, an individual can identify as “apothisexual” to describe themselves as a sex-repulsed. You can assume this person also identifies as asexual because apothisexual is a sub-category of the asexual identity. However, another person who is sex-repulsed can just identify themselves as asexual.
Micro-labels are most often used to describe a specific experience, and to create a sense of community for individuals who share those same feelings. Many folks like using micro-labels because they provide a sense of validation.
However, some folks may not identify with a specific micro-label because they may feel their experience “may not line-up” with the micro-label, and they “may not want to be categorized into small boxes.” We have to remember labels should be descriptive, not prescriptive. Essentially, identities should help you describe yourself, not force you to align yourself with the dictated label. For example, if someone identifies as cupioromantic (described as someone who does not experience romantic attraction but desires a romantic relationship) becomes romantically attracted to someone, it is perfectly fine! Just because this individual experienced romantic attraction does not disqualify them as cupioromantic. Also, it is important to keep in mind that only you can label yourself, others cannot label you. Labeling others is oppressive and violates their human rights.
Below is a list of the asexual and aromantic spectrum identities.
**Note that this isn’t a comprehensive list and we may have missed some identities. Please let us know if there’s a label we missed that you would like us to add on here!
Demisexuality: you generally don’t experience sexual attraction. You might experience sexual attraction toward someone after an emotional bond is formed with them.
Recipsexuality (or Reciprosexuality): you generally don’t experience sexual attraction. You might experience sexual attraction toward someone once you realize they experience sexual attraction toward you.
Cupiosexuality: you don’t experience sexual attraction but desire a sexual relationship
Iamvanosexuality: you don’t have the desire to perform sexual acts on someone, but you have the desire to receive them.
Quiosexuality: you can’ tell whether or not you experience sexual attraction or you can’t tell what kind of attraction you experience
Abrosexuality: your sexuality if fluid and/or often changes
Autochorisexuality: you experience a disconnection between yourself and the object of your sexual attraction and/or sexual fantasy
Gray-asexuality: you only rarely experience sexual attraction and/or only under certain circumstances and/or you experience sexual attraction without the desire to act on it
Fraysexuality: you might experience sexual attraction toward someone you just met. Once you get to know them better, the sexual attraction will fade/disappear
Akoisexuality: you might experience sexual attraction toward someone, but not want/need them to reciprocate your feelings and/or you might even lose your sexual attraction towards them if they do
Placiosexuality: you don’t have the desire to receive sexual acts, but you have the desire to perform them on someone
Idemsexuality: you can’t tell whether you experience sexual attraction or platonic attraction and distinguish them by using other factors
Novisexuality: your sexuality can’t be explained with words
Aceflux: your sexuality fluctuates between different levels of asexual and allosexual
Apothisexuality: you don’t experience sexual attraction and are sex-repulsed
Aromantic Spectrum Identities:
Aromanticism: you don’t experience romantic attraction toward people of any gender
Demiromanticism: you generally don’t experience romantic attraction. You might experience romantic toward someone after an emotional bond is formed with them
Recipromanticism: you generally don’t experience romantic attraction. You experience romantic attraction toward someone once you realize they experience romantic attraction toward you
Cupioromanticism: you don’t experience romantic attraction, but desire a romantic relationship
Iamvanoromanticism: you don’t have the desire to show romantic affection for someone, but you have the desire to receive some
Quoiromanticism: you can’t tell whether or not you experience romantic attraction or you can’t tell what kind of attraction you experience
Abroromanticism: your romantic orientation if fluid and/or often changes
Aegoromanticism: you experience a disconnection between yourself and the object of your romantic attraction and/or romantic fantasy
Gray aromanticism: you rarely experience romantic attraction and/or only under certain circumstances and/or you experience romantic attraction without the desire to act on it
Frayromanticism: you might experience romantic attraction toward someone you just met. Once you get to know them better, the romantic attraction will fade/disappear
Akoiromanticism: you might experience romantic attraction toward someone, but not want/need them to reciprocate your feelings and/or you might even lose your romantic attraction towards them if they do
Placioromanticism: you don’t have the desire to receive romantic affection, but you have the desire to show them
Idemromanticism: you can’t tell whether you experience romantic attraction or platonic attraction and distinguish them by using other factors
Noviromantic: your romantic orientation can’t be explained with words
Aroflux: your romantic attraction fluctuates between different levels or aromantic and alloromantic
Apothiromanticism: you don’t experience romantic attraction and are romance-repulsed
The takeaway is whether or not you use micro-labels to describe yourself, you and your experiences are valid! Here’s a fun comic drawn by Bhavya, one of our lovely admins, on the importance of microlabels!
What are your thoughts on micro-labels? Feel free to share with us below, or DM us on Instagram!
A common misconception is that all asexual individuals have a negative view on sex and do not engage in sex. As a reminder, asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual attraction towards individuals of all genders. Asexuality is an orientation and it is not synonymous with celibacy.
Cultural and Personal Attitudes Towards Sex:
Asexual individuals can have a wide variety of attitudes towards sex, both in a cultural sense and in personal relationships. For instance, some asexual people may have an accepting attitudes towards sex in general but not be open to having sex themselves, while other asexual people may have conservative attitudes towards sex but are open to compromise within a relationship. To better understand this concept, we can split attitudes towards sex into two categories: Cultural Attitudes and Personal Attitudes.
The following definitions have been collected from AVEN and AceWeek:
Cultural attitudes towards sex can be defined as beliefs often shaped by society and cultural upbringing. These attitudes can be further broken down into: Sex-positive, sex-neutral, and sex-negative. Sex-positive beliefs may have been most likely influenced by healthy portrayals of sexuality in media and accepting of alternative lifestyles (e.g. polyamory, kinks/fetishes, unattached sex partners). Sex-neutral beliefs may have been shaped by moderate portrayals of sexuality in the media. Sex-negative beliefs may have been shaped by censorship of sexual content in media and that sex as a topic should stay in the bedroom.
Personal attitudes towards having sex refers to one’s personal attitudes in engaging in sex themselves. These attitudes can be further broken down into: Sex-favorable, sex-indifferent, and sex-averse/sex-repulsed.
Cultural Attittudes towards sex
Sex-Positive: belief that people have the right to have as much or as little consensual sex as they’d like Sex-Neutral: belief that sex is not inherently good or bad Sex-Negative: belief that sex, or certain kinds of consensual sex, are inherently bad
Personal attitudes towards having sex
Sex-Favorable: someone who enjoys having sex in some situations Sex-Indifferent: someone who is not averse to having sex, but does not find it to be personally beneficial or gratifying Sex-Averse/Sex-Repulsed: someone who is disgusted by the idea of themselves having sex or by being exposed to sexual content or situations
**Note: not everyone fits into one of the three categories. Some people are Sex-Ambivalent and may have mixed feelings towards having sex.
This 3 x 3 matrix was created by AVEN to better help conceptualize these attitudes. All asexual individuals have a combination of these attitudes (though of course attitudes towards sex can be fluid and may change over time).
For Asexual Awareness Week, we asked our desi ace followers to share their stories with us to be featured on our Instagram page. Here are some of their stories!
Manita
Meet Manita (she/her) from Nepal! Here is her Desi Ace story:
“Even though its just been a year that since I found out about this orientation I always had a sense of not being normative since childhood. I was clear about not following the boy meets girl, falls in love, gets married and happily ever after. A hopeless romantic in a world where platonic relationships are not valued as much has been disappointing. Not just because of the lack of sexual attraction but also the amatonormativity,* cis-heteronormativity,** monogamy, and the Desi setting with patriarchal notions of complacency shoved down our throats. There are numerous rituals, customs, and expectations that make my blood boil. So, for me, this repulsed the thought of all of the cultural wedding processions and a so-called happy settled married life. Casually, smashing stereotypes all the way.
I am glad that I found this community that understands how I feel and its been gratifying. I hope to create a platform for ace community in Nepal to take form. I sadly do not have any dating advice for you guys, give me some instead. I am a career-oriented panromantic ace with a lot of passion projects. I am open to a QPR*** if and when the situation comes but I am completely happy and fulfilled without it as well.” – @mnk_withmeraki
*Amatonormativity: The assumption that a traditional romantic relationship as monogamous and “get married and have kids” is the best thing for everyone. **Cis-heteronormativity: The assumption that a romantic relationship between two heterosexual, cisgendered people is the norm. ***QPR: queerplatonic relationship. A relationship in which the lines are blurred between different types of relationships. This can be different things for different people, so definitely communicate with each other for a successful QPR.
Meet another one of our lovely aces who would also like to share her story.
CW: explicit content
“Growing up asexual, biromantic, and a Desi girl was very confusing. The intersections between these identities made it difficult for me to identify and understand my sexual and romantic orientation.
Looking back, recognizing my crushes was so confusing because I never really felt sexual attraction, which society expects. The one time I told a friend, “I like girls too,” she was very accepting but she casually labelled me as “bisexual.” I felt a deep aversion to that label. I didn’t talk about this again because my attraction to girls but aversion to sexuality labels felt too confusing to explain or understand.
A year later, I drew these pictures while reading @ashhardell’s book The ABCs of LGBT. Looking at it now, it’s so obvious that I am ace. But I thought it was typical (and expected) for Desi girls to be uninterested in anything sexual.
Months later, I was watching @greysabc when a character questioned if her one true love was a girl. Her friend responded, “Did you get excited by her vagina?” This made me so uncomfortable and reminded me of my discomfort with the label bisexual. At this point I knew that I was very attracted to girls, but I also knew that anything sexual made me feel uncomfortable.
Soon after, I stumbled across a fb post discussing struggles with asexuality in relationships and fell into a deep rabbit hole researching all things ace. I binged @soundsfakepod, and I finally found language to describe myself. I am still hungry for desi ace representation, but I finally understand and accept myself.”
Meet Rachana an amazing heteroromantic ace (yes, they exist and are completely valid and definitely part of the queer community)!
CW: language
“Being ace and Desi makes dating HARD YO!!! The default assumption that everyone is heterosexual is damaging to the ace community when it comes to relationships, and especially for me when I was a teenager entering the dating scene. It felt like flirting was deceitful since I’m betraying this expectation that I was open to sex. I felt guilty every step of the way from accepting an occasional drink or date and this was affirmed by some of the men when I did come out to them when they’d get angry/annoyed.
Luckily, I’ve found an incredible boyfriend who loves me for exactly who I am AND a kickass community of ace QUEENS who support me through hell and back. I wouldn’t have it any other way 💜.” – @gottabudi
This was a very fun segment for us, thank you to everyone who participated! Keep a look out for more opportunities to be featured on our page in the future!
Split Attraction Model – Commonly used in the aro/spec and ace/spec community to distinguish two types of attraction: romantic and sexual
Romantic Orientation – Determines which sex(ex) or gender(s), if any, an individual is inclined to form relationships with. (Misconception: Aspec individuals do not experience romantic attraction).
As you encounter many aspec people in your life, you will start to notice they have two identities – one representing their romantic identity, the other their sexual identity. This can be best understood by the Split Attraction Model (SAM).
The SAM states that for some individuals, sexual attraction and romantic attraction are two different things. For many allosexuals, their romantic identity and sexual identity are in alignment, so the gender(s) of the people they fall in love with are also the gender(s) they are sexually attracted to. For example, if someone identifies as pansexual, they are sexually and romantically attracted to all genders.
A common misconception is that all aspec individuals do not experience romantic attraction. For example, an asexual individual who is inclined to form romantic relationships with someone of the opposite sex or gender will identify as a hetero-romantic asexual. It is good to keep in mind that there are various forms of attraction, including sensual, platonic, alterous and aesthetic attraction.
There are also various forms of romantic attractions.
The Aromantic Spectrum
Similar to the Asexuality Spectrum, the Aromantic Spectrum is a group of orientations that fall under the umbrella term of aromantic. On one end of the spectrum you have aromanticism and the other end you have alloromanticism.
Alloromantic: An individual who experiences romantic attraction. Includes heteroromantic, biromantic, panromantic, homoromantic and polyromantic.
Aromantic: An individual who does not experience romantic attraction.
Grayromantic: Represents “gray-area” between aromanticism and alloromanticism. This identity is often used by individuals who do not normally experience romantic attraction, little or infrequent romantic attraction, situationally specific romantic attraction, or a change of romantic attraction.
Demiromantic: An individual who experiences romantic attraction to a person or multiple people once a strong emotional bond is formed with them.
The chart below by Asexual ACES describes the different types of romantic attraction.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg (1933-2020) died just before the start of the Jewish new year, which signifies that that person is a tzaddik or righteous person. RBG worked up until her death to fight for and uplift so many people and so many voices. Throughout her legal career from professor to Supreme Court judge, she advocated for gender and racial equality. We (the admins) definitely would not be who we are, living our personal lives, and creating this platform without the work she did to ensure that legally we couldn’t stop us.
One of our favorite quotes by her is “so that’s the dissenter’s hope: that they are writing not for today but for tomorrow.” This resonates with the goals of Acey Desi because we are here now telling you our stories, in hopes that things will be better later. We know that not everyone will instantly understand everything we are saying. Change and acceptance take time. So, we hope.
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has always emphasized the importance of taking action to invoke change. Up until her last breath she fought for gender and racial equality. Now it’s our turn.
One of the best ways we can commemorate RBG’s legacy is to take action ourselves to fight for justice. We have compiled a list of things you can do to help, which you can find by clicking the link in our bio.
We don’t need to be public figures to create change. Just by doing little things like understanding the importance of feminism, uplifting and supporting members of marginalized gender identities, and being aware of oppressing social norms and unlearning these beliefs are ways you can advocate for gender equality.
There are always misconceptions about feminism. Feminism is not meant to be exclusionary, nor meant to undermine men. Historically, women have been disadvantaged due to patriarchy. The purpose of feminism is to level the playing field for all genders. Patriarchy is toxic, and it hurts men as much it does to women. It propagates toxic masculinity and traditional gender roles.
We still have a long way to go. But with your help, we can be one step closer to justice.
What Can You Do?
The list of resources below + many others can be found under our Resources page.
Adopt a swing state and help them push progressive policies forth (also a great source with info for where the presidential candidates stand on issues)
There are a couple of republican senators who have declared that they want to postpone reappointment of another justice until after the US election. (Susan Collins – Maine and Lisa Murkowski – Alaska)
Contact Senators Mitt Romney – Utah, Charles E. Grassley – Iowa and Cory Gardner – Colorado and tell them why the reappointment of another Supreme Court justice should wait until after the election.
Phone Script for Senator(s) Mitt Romney, Charles E. Grassley, and Cory Gardner:
“Hello, my name is (insert name) and I am calling to ask (senator/representative’s name) to block any attempts by Trump to appoint a new nominee to the Supreme Court. Justice Ginsburg’s dying wish was to not be replaced until after the election—help honor that wish by keeping her seat open. If they appoint another Supreme Court justice anyway, I would like your commitment to expand the Court in the next Congress. Thank you for your time and for considering my request for your support.”
DONATE
Mark Kelly is an upcoming democrat candidate running for Senate in Arizona who could possibly replace Republican Senator Martha McSally. Donate to his campaign
![Image 4: Islam & Celibacy
Other scholars argue that marriage is strongly advised by the Prophet (PBUH), and celibacy is haram, or prohibited.
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) forbade celibacy. He stated “Allah (SWT) sent me with a simple and straight [Shariah]. I fast, pray and also have intimate relations with my wife. So whosoever likes my tradition, then he should follow it; and marriage is one of my traditions” (Sunan Ibn Majah, 1846).
Had the Prophet (PBUH) permitted celibacy, folks “would have gotten themselves castrated” in the name of devotion (Sahih Muslim, Book 8, Hadith 3238).](https://aceydesi.files.wordpress.com/2021/06/4-1.png?w=1024)
AceyDesi Blog 