Although many folks are familiar with sexual and romantic attraction, there are several other types of attraction that are important in relationships. This post gives an overview of the many different types of attraction as well as highlights some of our personal experiences with a specific type of attraction. Please not that our personal experiences to an attraction may look different than yours and there is no one way to feel a certain type of attraction.
Content:
Sexual Attraction
Romantic Attraction
Platonic Attraction
Sensual Attraction
Aesthetic Attraction
Alterous Attraction
Emotional Attraction
Intellectual Attraction
References & Resources
Sexual Attraction
- Attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or show sexual interest in another person(s).
- “I want to bang you”
Romantic attraction
- Attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons.
- “I want to date you”
personal Experience
“It’s hard to give a generic definition of romantic attraction when romance can look so different to different people. Romantic attraction itself is a spectrum, I’m demiromantic so I rarely feel romantic attraction and only after I already have a close emotional bond with someone. To me, romantic attraction has always been in the form of “romantic” scenes in movies that are without the sexual acts. Things like going on dates, holding hands, cuddling with a movie, smiling when you get their texts, wanting to tell them all about your day and wanting to hear about theirs, and basically doing all the “cute” things that you would do in a relationship. So I know I’m feeling romantic attraction when there is someone in particular I would want to do all of those things with.” – S
Platonic attraction
- The desire to form a close platonic relationship (friendship) with a specific person or people, or to form a closer friendship with someone one already knows.
- “I want to befriend you”
personal experience
“Platonic attraction, as previously discussed, is the desire to form a close friendship with a specific person or people, and it excludes romantic and sexual attraction. To me, platonic attraction is more like meeting someone new who seems interesting to me, or they share similar values or experiences with me, and I want to get to know them more. It’s like I develop an admiration for someone and I would like for us to be close friends and share a symbiotic friendship. An example I can think of is the relationship Aziraphale and Crowley have in Good Omens – their goal is to stop Armageddon and they support each other to achieve their goal. And then I think platonic attraction intermingles with emotional attraction later on in the friendship, where once I get to know someone I start to form an emotional bond with them. Of course, many folks may define platonic and emotional attractions in an intersectional way, since it can get confusing trying to separate the two, and it’s valid.” ~M
Sensual attraction
- The desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way, such as through hugging or cuddling.
- “I want to cuddle you”
personal experience
“For me sensual attraction was an interesting one to figure out because sensuality is considered synonymous to sexuality when in reality I learned that they are two completely separate things. I didn’t realize there was a word to the feeling of wanting to be close to someone physically (but not sexually bc I’m sex repulsed AF). Sensual attraction is a lot more about wanting stuff that feels good physically (it appeals to your senses, specifically touch a lot of the times). It can be anything from cuddles, massages, long hugs, forehead kisses, or even just someone putting their arm around your shoulders. A lot of this stuff might be considered romantic traditionally but it truly does depend on the person because you don’t need to feel romantic attraction to feel sensual attraction towards a person. In my case I do feel romantic attraction so these behaviors fall into both of those categories of attraction for me. It’s incredibly important to make that distinction between sensual and sexual attraction because a lot of sensual stuff in the allo world can lead to sexual stuff, which is problematic because this oversteps boundaries of sensual aces/aros. So yes it is completely possible to just want to cuddle, you’re totally normal.
P.S. the second meme can come off as creepy when used in the wrong context but I felt that it accurately describes sensual attraction.”
-C
Click here to see a video of one of our admins (Bhavya) also talking about sensual attraction!
Aesthetic attraction
definition
- Occurs when someone appreciates the appearance or beauty of another person(s), disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction.
- “I want to admire your physical beauty”
personal Experience
“Aesthetic attraction, as previously discussed, occurs when appreciating the appearance of another person. It is disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction. In my early ace journey, this was something that left me feeling confused at times if I was actually asexual. I would find people pretty or cute or physically attractive in some manner but without sexual or romantic ties. Now, when I have to describe my perspective on aesthetic attraction, I use the analogy of a painting. Like Kevin from The Office states, “A painting is beautiful, but I don’t want to bone a painting”. There are physical qualities like facial features or expressions or the way someone dresses that I find appealing but in no way am I sexually or romantically attracted to them. I think this can be relatable, for instance, with celebrities. I, for one, think actors and actresses like Hrithik Roshan, Meena, Deepika Padukone are aesthetically pleasing like wow yes they are pretty or cute and have appealing facial or physical features but do I want to date them or bang them? No thank you!”
~R
Alterous attraction
- Attraction described as wanting emotional closeness someone; feeling that is neither strictly platonic nor romantic; It’s somewhere in the middle
- “I have a strong connection to you that is something more than friends, but I don’t necessarily want to date you. I am not confused about us, just the lines from an outside perspective look blurred between us.”
**Note: by using the term “more than friends”, we want to convey that alterous attraction is blurred and somewhere in between friendship and romantic love. It’s on a spectrum and not a hierarchy because one type of love is not “more” than another.
personal experience
This an approximate version of how we place alterous in relation to platonic and romantic. It’s somewhere in between romantic and platonic, but does not have a level of uncertainty where someone is trying to figure out their feelings. It’s in a cloud because the bounds are a little bit unclear. This also includes some common activities/thoughts and where we think these go – as in these placements are our opinions and may or may not line up with what you think.
“Recently, I naturally ended up in an alterous relationship with someone I love, respect, and really care for. I don’t think about him all the time, but he still holds a very important place in my heart and in my life. Our relationship is not only platonic – I still want to cuddle and hold his hand, we still flirt, I still feel like there is something that draws me to him differently than to a friend. I don’t really care for doing “cute” things when it comes to him, but I am also not opposed to it. All I really know is that I love him, I want him in my life, and we have a strong connection. So, that’s how I define alterous.” – V
Emotional attraction
- The desire to get to know someone, often as a result of their personality instead of their physicality. This type of attraction is present in most relationships from platonic friendships to romantic and sexual relationships.
- “I want to emotionally bond with you”
personal experience
“Emotional attraction is definitely a weird one because it is possible to develop an emotional attachment and/or bond with anyone. Typically, this will happen with a friend, a significant other, sibling, etc. Sometimes, it happens with a celebrity/group, and you find yourself crying over Zayn leaving One Direction. Or even with a sexual partner, which probably means you need to have a conversation. Anywho, for me, I just know I am emotionally attached when I think ‘I miss them’ or ‘I really care about them.’ If they died, I know I would throw myself into funeral planning or something to distract myself from the pain. It’s a little dark, I know, but I know that this is not how I feel about most people and that’s how I differentiate platonic and emotional attraction. (For my friends that I’m not emotionally attached to, I still appreciate your presence in my life and would maybe cry at your funeral, just maybe not plan unless it was a mess and I just happened to be there at the perfect moment.)” ~ V
Intellectual attraction
Definition
- The desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner, such as engaging in conversation with them, “picking their brain,” and it has more to do with what or how a person thinks instead of the person themselves
- “I want to have intellectual conversations with you”
Personal Experience
“To me intellectual attraction is where someone likes (or falls) for someone for their brains rather than like love at first site. I think a good example is Christina’s relationships (Burke, Marlow, Teddy, Owen) from Grey’s Anatomy. In those relationships, she is impressed by what they do and know. Or if you’re more a Brooklynn Nine Nine fan, it’s like when Amy is attracted to Jake even more, when he does things that are more Amy and less Jake (like making binders). I think another example is when people think guys look more attractive when they wear glasses (which implies they are smart/intelligent). Like any of the other attractions, in my opinion, intellectual attraction can stay platonic or it can move into sexual or romantic attraction.”
~ B
References
- AUREA – Attraction and Relationship Terms: https://www.aromanticism.org/en/attraction-relationship-terms
- AZE Journal: https://azejournal.com/article/2017/12/27/an-introduction-to-attraction-its-more-than-sexual
- UNC LGBTQ Center: https://lgbtq.unc.edu/resources/exploring-identities/asexuality-attraction-and-romantic-orientation
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